NUSRAT JAHAN PROGGA
The room smelled of alcohol, broken hearts, and the sweat of sexual predators with big pockets. “Just one more man to go” Jenna thought as she prepared herself for the next customer. With her entire body aching, she got up from the bed, wiped away all the mascara that rolled down her cheeks, and smeared on some more lipstick. She put on her favorite heels and stepped outside the door. “Who’s next?” she asked, flashing a seductive smile, and the man with the gold watch stepped forward. After an hour of tossing and turning in unison inside the sheets, the man finally got up and said “If only my wife was as good as you darling. I’ll be back again”. He kissed her on the cheeks and walked out while she smiled and waved goodbye. Smiling and making sexy noises, that’s what she got paid for.
Jenna was finally alone and enjoying her own company. Loneliness gave her this comfort that no other feeling ever could. She lit up the cigar that one of the regulars had gifted her. She had been saving it for a special occasion and today was it. As she finished inhaling the smoke, the sunlight started to flicker through the curtains, and it made her have little flashbacks of her life. She wondered what happened to Gabby-the homeless girl that she used to smoke pot with, Andy-the guy she had a crush on when she was in middle school, Sergio- her first love, and her little sister Katie. Jenna ran into Katie two years back while shoplifting at a small grocery store. Katie didn’t say anything. She just took off her white gold earrings and handed them to Jenna. However, Jenna couldn’t afford the luxury of catching up with her sister. She ran without even saying thanks. Jenna was thankful though. And proud. So… so proud! She could tell that Katie was probably well off and leading a healthy life by how she looked in her fancy formal attire, glowing skin, and black loubotins. Katie and the five fetuses Jenna had to throw away- they were the people she thought about the most.
It was 5 am in the morning, and it was time for Jenna to put the pen on paper.
“If you found me and you’re reading this, don’t do anything funny to my body Tim. Also, don’t take off my jewelry. I have $30 stashed inside one of my pillows, and you ought to pass them on to April. Try to keep the house and your hands clean and try to stay outta jail. Hand my clothes out to any hobo passing by, and give my makeup to Sally’s lil girl. You can have all my girly magazines if you want. You better do everything I said here or else I will haunt you and make you as miserable as you made me for the rest of your life.
Love,
Jen.”
Back when Jenna was 18, the thought of writing letters like this terrified her. She tried way too many times for her own good, but to no avail. 18 year old Jenna was beautiful and fearless; she could pick pockets, live on cheap liquor and french fries, and could get away with anything just by giving the cop’s hand a tour of her body. Now, she was 25 and scared of everything but death, and the little bit of beauty she had left had been taken away by one too many hits of cocaine and LSD. All the abuse she had faced in her little life all boils down to this very moment. She wondered if she could have been in a better place. Maybe her love for literature and talent in writing could have gotten her a scholarship, maybe she could be working for a newspaper, maybe she could have two adorable kids and a typical football-freak husband. Maybe, she wouldn’t have been born in a broken home that forced her to run away at the age of 15.
The clock was ticking and the time for her to say adieu came nearer. She wondered if she should have gone back to that small town where she last saw her mother, see if she had anything to say, or any more scars to generously donate to her body. Maybe she could steal some jewelry or a few bucks to pay for the liquor. Or did it even matter? She was, afterall, finally going on the beautiful journey she has been packed and ready to go on since her bitter sixteenth.
She took one last look at the view from her 4th floor window and remembered the very last memory she had of happiness: that one afternoon in Coney Island. Ten year old Jenna sitting on the Merry-go-round catching little glimpses of her mother’s slightly high boyfriend as she kept spinning and spinning and spinning…
The rest of her memory? They’re hazy, being covered with clouds of ashes and tar.
Jenna picked out some dandelions from the roadside before and placed them in a pot of water outside her window. She took one of them and blew on it. The little seeds scattered in the air, and flew to a place Jenna longed to visit. She remembered seeing lots of dandelion seeds roaming around the sky when she was very little, and praying to God to let her go to where they go when she grows up. Now she has a little bottle in her drawer that can take her to that place.
It was 6 am and Jenna put on the earrings her sister gave her. She brushed her thinning locks of golden hair and took one last look at the mirror. “It’s finally over” she said. She drowned her insides with liquid cyanide and that was it.
Her soul is now free. Free to travel with the dandelions.